Brenden’s current nightly ritual goes as follows:
- Go upstairs and get him to use the potty one last time.
- Reward him with an M&M, usually “a Big…Orange One” these days.
- Give him a small drink of water, much smaller than he wants. When he protests, explain again why it’s not good to drink lots of water at bedtime.
- Put a nighttime diaper on him.
- Have him pull on his pajama pants. “The tag’s in the back!”
- While the M&M dissolves in his mouth, read him a book in his room, stumbling over the funny but awkward Spanglish of Skippyjon Jones in a bad Spanish accent.
- Return to the bathroom to brush his teeth.
- Wait while he uses the potty yet again. If he suddenly decides he needs to poop, sit in the hallway and check your email and airport weather for work on your iPhone. Remind him that you already said he’d gotten his last M&M for the night.
- Let him brush his teeth. Sort of. Finish up yourself. Pause 15 times while he spits in the sink.
- Return to his room and tuck him in. “You have to tell a story,” he says. (this is the new part)
- Improvise a story involving Captain Brendenbeard the Pirate. Other possible characters include First Mate Jonathan or Princess Ray-Ray. I assume Cousin E-fin will join the crew soon once he learns to walk. We aren’t even trying to fit Cousin Reid in yet. The story must include the following elements: pirates, a pirate ship, a treasure map, treasure, an island, monkeys, and fruit snacks. Fruit snacks are the preferred treasure for the treasure chest. New additions this week include kitties and some terrifying place called Kitty Island. I told him I didn’t know any stories about Kitty Island, but I did have stories about pirates. Somehow I’m always able to make up something. We’ll see how long I can keep this up.
- Sing him a song, generally “Jesus Loves Me” or the opening bars of Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy”, which he refers to as “The Mee-Mee Song” thanks to the Muppets version featuring Beaker. Sorry, Mr. Beethoven. We mean no disrepect.
- Let Brenden pray, which generally sounds something like this: “Thank you for our teachers, thank you for Mommy and Daddy, thank you for Mommy, thank you for Daddy, thank you for Jonathan, thank you for my new dresser, thank you for my new fan, thank you for my new switch, amen.”