My mom’s parents, a pair of delightful people, have been married over 60 years now. If you ask my grandfather for the secret to their long and successful marriage, he could offer many pieces of advice, but there’s a good chance he’ll tell you it comes down to three simple words. No, not those three words. Those are certainly important, but they are a given, aren’t they? His three words are maybe you’re right.
For such a simple phrase, it packs a ton of punch in many different areas:
- It shows respect for your spouse and his/her opinion.
- It doesn’t completely concede the argument, which you might not want to do.
- It keeps you humble by having you admit that you don’t have all the answers.
- It elevates the relationship itself above the argument. Many arguments simply aren’t worth it.
By playing the “maybe you’re right” card, you call a truce in the disagreement. No one wins or loses. You stop wasting time arguing unnecessarily, but neither are you turning yourself into a doormat.
“Maybe you’re right” can have larger applications than simply marriages, though. Most of us, both individually and as a society, would benefit if we all said it more often.
No, it’s not as exciting as watching people argue passionately from opposite positions and certainly doesn’t make for good TV. But if the goal of your conversation is to win a battle at the other side’s expense, several problems arise:
- You quit listening to the other side, potentially ignoring valuable and true information simply because it doesn’t support your point (confirmation bias).
- You become so married to your position that you’d be embarrassed to change your mind, even if you realize that you were wrong.
- Many people would rather avoid you than butt heads with you, making it harder to have relationships. You simply aren’t worth the headache.
I haven’t mastered “maybe you’re right” like my grandfather has, in my marriage or in my other relationships. Jenny and I do a pretty good job of choosing our battles, but I could do a better job of affirming her positions rather than simply letting them slide.
However, although I try to be openminded, argumentative people make me put up a wall and tempt me to be obnoxious right back at them. Generally, I try to avoid such people. People who understand that they don’t have all the answers are much more fun to be around. This isn’t the best approach, but it’s hard to say “maybe you’re right” to someone when all you want to do is punch them in the nose.
I am a work in progress, people.
What about you? How do you handle conflict with others, whether your SO/spouse, friends, or coworkers?