Because Brenden was born by C-section, Jonathan is going to be a scheduled C-section as well. This means that I really don’t need to have a full birth plan – go to the hospital, make sure I can’t feel anything, and pull out a baby is pretty much all I am taking with me. But I’m getting lots of emails about setting one up from the baby websites, and after reading through several online, here is my “perfect world” birth plan. Feel free to read the sarcasm dripping from this post:

BEFORE LABOR:
-if I show up at the hospital and I’m not truly in active labor, please allow me to return home without laughing at me. Sending some happy drugs with me would be a nice touch as well.

DURING LABOR:
– Only my doctor, nurse, husband, and anyone I deem worthy will be allowed in the room during labor. I will set a secret password and give it out as I see fit. Anyone else that does not have the secret password will be thrown out immediately.
-Unless said person without the secret password has more happy drugs. Then they can come in.
– I will have two doulas, preferably large scandinavian women named Helga or Olga. One for me, one for the baby. If the best treatment plans conflict, the doulas will arm wrestle to decide who wins.
-I will manage my pain without the use of narcotics or an epidural. My pain management techniques include inflicting pain on others, so a steady stream of strangers and a hammer will be required. Feel free to use annoying family members of other patients.
-I will be allowed to move freely during labor. Including going to the bathroom, the hallway, or Chili’s if needed.
-Only intermittent fetal monitoring will be allowed. In fact, the only fetal monitoring will be my nurse being allowed to yell “baby, baby, are you ok?” at my hoo-ha on an hourly basis.
-In order to promote a peaceful birthing environ, I request that the lights be dimmed, the other patients in labor be told to be quiet, and that a string quartet be playing in my room. Yo-Yo Ma is preferred, but if he’s busy, find someone else.
-I do not want to be induced, but the doulas will be allowed to do a “come out baby” dance and sacrifice a small animal of their choice.
-Birthing equipment I will require: a birthing ball, a rocking chair, a jacuzzi tub, a swingset, and a stripper pole.
-Before any medical intervention is done, the doulas will be allowed to do the “get better baby” dance and sacrifice a larger animal. Please provide a sheep, calf, or goat.
– If a c-section becomes medically necessary, and by medically necessary I mean I’m yelling “I’m not doing this anymore, cut the baby out now!”, please knock me out completely and wake me up when my child is going to college.

AFTER BIRTH:
-Please place my child on me as soon as possible after birth, but make sure that all that yucky white crud is removed first. Gross!
-I plan on breastfeeding, so do not give my child formula, bottles, or pacifiers while in the hospital. In fact, please remove all bottles, formula, and pacifiers from the hospital. I will provide a picture of my breasts to hang over the nursery bed so that it is all he sees.
-Please keep all family members away from our room for the first 24 hours. Please kick everyone else out of the hospital for us to promote bonding.
-We would like to room in with our child. In order to help socialization, we would also like to room in with someone else’s child as well. If this is not possible, I am willing to have my bed moved to the nursery.
-No medical treatment shall be performed upon our child. At all. Ever. If vitamin C doesn’t fix it, nothing will.
-Once the child is born, I will require an epidural. For at least the next two years.

Now, just in case you don’t know me well enough to know how silly I’m being, please know that I think it is VERY helpful to research all your options before going into labor. But those moms that get it in their head that they are going to do it ONLY THIS WAY may end up very disappointed when all is said and done because you never know what’s going to happen! Babies have a way of changing all our plans, even after they are born, so learning to go with the flow is a life long battle. Hopefully Jonathan is ok with my simple plan for this time!